More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
More funny Elayne Boosler quotes
The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.
More funny Chinese Proverb quotes
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
More funny Maryon Pearson quotes
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance -- a sharp, vindictive glance.
More funny James Thurber quotes
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
More funny Helen Gurley Brown quotes
Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man.
More funny Yoko Ono quotes
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)
More funny Groucho Marx quotes
The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.
More funny Fabio quotes
Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels
More funny Kathy Lette quotes
Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
More funny Kathy Lette quotes
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
More funny Marcel Achard quotes
My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. (Alfie, 1966)
More funny Michael Caine quotes
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
More funny Samuel Butler quotes
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
More funny Charlotte Whitton quotes
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. (Mississippi, 1935)
More funny W. C. Fields quotes
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
More funny Will Rogers quotes
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
More funny Will Rogers quotes
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes
Man has will, but woman has her way.
More funny Oliver Wendell Holmes quotes
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
More funny Jack Benny quotes
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
More funny Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
More funny Gloria Steinem quotes
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
More funny Ivan Turgenev quotes
You can never tell what's in a woman's mind,
And if she's from Harlem, there's no use o' tryin'
More funny W. C. Handy quotes
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
More funny Joseph Conrad quotes
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
More funny Margaret Thatcher quotes
The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.
More funny Alan Jay Lerner quotes
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
More funny Tim Allen quotes
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
More funny Tim Allen quotes
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
More funny Tim Allen quotes
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
More funny Louis XIV quotes
Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.
More funny Elsa Schiaparelli quotes
Americans like fat books and thin women.
More funny Russell Baker quotes
Why should I limit myself to only one woman when I can have as many women as I want?
More funny George Gershwin quotes
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
More funny Elayne Boosler quotes
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
More funny Lenny Bruce quotes
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
More funny Yul Brynner quotes
What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
More funny Lord Byron quotes
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
More funny Gilda Radner quotes
The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement. Of course He could have made it to last longer, but you can't have everything. -- (The Gingerbread Lady, 1970)
More funny Neil Simon quotes
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
More funny David Niven quotes
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
More funny Andy Gibb quotes
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
More funny Erica Jong quotes
How can I possibly dislike a sex to which Your Majesty belongs? (on Queen Victoria's suggestion that he disliked women)
More funny Cecil Rhodes quotes
From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
More funny Raymond Chandler quotes
They are so afraid we shall break down, and you know the reputation of the college is at stake, for the question is, can girls get a college degree without injuring their health.
More funny Ellen Swallow Richards quotes
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.
More funny Georges Pompidou quotes
Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men?
More funny Barbra Streisand quotes
Men are generally more law-abiding than women. Women have the feeling that since they didn't make the rules, the rules have nothing to do with them.
More funny Diane Johnson quotes
Whether women are better than men I cannot say—but I can say they are certainly no worse.
More funny Golda Meir quotes
To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
More funny Rudolph Valentino quotes
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
More funny Timothy Leary quotes
I like my whisky old and my women young.
More funny Errol Flynn quotes
There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.
More funny Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis quotes
A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
More funny Adlai Stevenson quotes
Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her.
More funny Agatha Christie quotes
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
More funny Walt Kelly quotes
A Frenchwoman, when double-crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations-but they all will console themselves with another man.
More funny Charles Boyer quotes
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
More funny Bill Vaughan quotes
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
More funny Dave Attell quotes
Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable.
More funny Edward Abbey quotes
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
There are no women composers, never have been, and possibly never will be. (when asked why only male composers appeared in his repertoire)
More funny Thomas Beecham quotes
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
More funny Eleanor Roosevelt quotes
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
More funny Fran Lebowitz quotes
She was short on intellect, but long on shape.
More funny George Ade quotes
Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.
More funny Spiro Agnew quotes
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